Matt: This is gonna suck, huh?
Ben: No, it’s gonna be awesome!
Matt: It’s been black forever
Ben: There’s music
Matt: So boring
Matt: Can you imagine if you’re in a theater? 2 minutes of nothing? That can’t be right!
Matt: If I was in a theater I’d seriously be worried, looking around at other people saying “should we call the manager?”
Matt: Are you for real? We’re three minutes in and they’re just getting started
Matt: The most interesting thing that’s happened so far is I found out what MGM stands for
Ben: What does it stand for?
Ben: Just so you know it’s like 40-45 minutes before anyone shows up
Matt: You are lying!
Ben: I’m not lying!
Matt: I am pissed
Matt: Merwin Goldwin… M… something
Matt: Are these real monkeys or planet of the apes monkeys?
Ben: They’re real monkeys
Matt: That’s totally an actor in a suit
Ben: It’s a real monkey
Matt: When did this come?
Matt: I wondered if they used the same costumes as Planet of the Apes
Matt: We could honestly be watching this on mute
Ben: They’re forming society
Matt: What about screaming says society to you?
Ben: They’re gathering together
Matt: They’re just by the water hole. Everyone goes to the water hole
Matt: These monkeys are better actors than The Rock
Ben: That doesn’t take much
Ben: You were right. They’re actors
Matt: You can see it in their eyes
Matt: Oh my gosh. Aliens made humans. Just as I suspected
Ben: I don’t think that’s what the movie’s saying
Matt: They’re trying to turn these monkeys into humans!
15:00 (at the sight of another monkey digging in the dirt)
Matt: Not this again
Matt: He’s making a tool
Ben: He’s not making a tool. Oh he is making a tool!
Matt: Oh yeah!
Matt: This director sucks
Matt: This reminds me of something Jesus used to say. “Might makes right”
Ben: We made it! I guess the monkeys were only 20 minutes!
Matt: More classical music this composer didn’t write
Matt: Do you know what this is like? Fantasia
Ben: I don’t think it’s like Fantasia
Matt: Just add some music, have some pictures and bam: Space Fantasia
Matt: Five and a half minutes of random space shots
Matt: Did he say he’d meet him in the restroom?
Matt: You go ahead to the restroom. I’ll meet you there
Matt: The cameraphone follows her when she moves out of the shot. That’s because it’s not a cameraphone it’s a camera man
Ben: Maybe it’s a high tech cameraphone
Matt: I’m not buying this, Ben
Ben: What part?
Matt: All of it
Ben: More classical music
Matt: I know! This is a bad sign. They fade to black and come back with crap
Matt: Those grip shoes aren’t the most effective way of traveling
(as the actress walks upside down with them) Ben: But look what you can do them
Matt: Yeah, this is pointless. She’s literally going nowhere
36:30 (At the sight of the zero gravity toilet)
Matt: Oh boy
Ben: I like how there’s a whole page of instructions
Matt: 10 point by point steps on using a zero gravity toilet
Matt: I think this guy’s ok. I’m not sure why but I like him
Matt: Look at this guy! He stands up and doesn’t see the other chair coming
Ben: That’s awesome
Matt: “I just tripped in a real movie!”
Matt: Here are my favorite parts so far. I liked when the monkey made the weapon
Ben: You liked the monkeys?
Matt: Just the one who made a weapon
Matt: And I like this Floyd guy. He seems like a villain but I think I’m going to side with the villains in this one
Matt: I had some astronaut ice cream once
Ben: Did it look like that?
Matt: It was dry, it was in a square, it was good… It was kinda crunchy
Matt: I don’t know why, but this movie just got bumped up to a three for me. I’m interested in the conspiracy
Ben: I don’t know that there is a conspiracy
Ben: Oh that’s the conspiracy. Something was buried 4 million years ago
Matt: How is that possible if the earth is only 6,000 years old?
Matt: That’s not the same block
Ben: It could be
Matt: How did it get there?
Ben: How did it get to earth?
Matt: I bet aliens made a bunch and put them all over the place
Ben: Or they just have one and keep moving it
Matt: That’s inefficient
Matt: 18 months later
Ben: I’m surprised they didn’t show the entire 18 months set to classical music
Matt: Grip shoes!!!
One hour in: Ben would rate it 5 stars so far, Matt would rate it 3 stars
1:05:30 (as Frank’s parents sing him happy birthday”
Matt: It’s down to a 2 again
Matt: Will there be a kid sidekick in this movie?
Ben: That antenna is Frodoed
Matt: Way Frodoed
Matt: Do you think people weren’t bored because it was cool for back then?
Matt: Just kill them HAL
HAL: It can only be attributed to human error
Ben: Way to pass the buck HAL
1:24:00 (at the sight of red, yellow and blue space suits)
Ben: Hey, it’s the Power Rangers!
Ben: They better hope HAL can’t read lips. He’s right there!
Matt: He probably is reading lips. Oh no!
1:27:00 (when it is revealed HAL is reading lips)
Ben: Nailed it!
Matt: You were totally right
Ben: Ben is right
Matt: At this point if I was in the theater I might think “I’m good”
Matt: Back to the monkeys?
Matt: It’s more like 2001: A Space Travesty
Matt: 2001 reasons not to watch a Stanley Kubrick movie
Ben: There goes the Yellow Ranger!
1:33:30 (after the fifth shot of the yellow space suit guy floating away)
Matt: We get it. He’s dead
1:34:30 (another long shot of space)
Matt: Oh good, I’d forgotten we were in space. Thanks, Stanley Kubrick
Matt: Maybe he is alive. I don’t think they’d keep showing him if he was dead
Ben: We’re talking about a movie started with 20 minutes of monkeys. I don’t think that argument applies here
1:43:00 (Dave is stranded outside the ship)
Matt: I don’t know where they’re going to go from here
Ben: It does seem as though they’ve written themselves into a narrative corner
Ben: Why the heck did he leave his helmet? Dumbest move ever!
1:47:30 (as Dave backs the ship up to the airlock)
Matt: Do you ever watch Autotune the News?
Matt: Have you seen Back it Up?
Matt (singing): Back it up, back it up, back it up! My daddy taught me good!
Ben: He finally got a space helmet
Matt: Where did he get that from?
Ben: The Green Ranger?
HAL: Take a stress pill
Matt: I wonder if that’s where “take a chill pill” came from
Matt: It would be funny if the yellow guy floated by again
Ben: Maybe Stanley Kubrick was just really empathetic toward people with small bladders so he worked in a bathroom break every five minutes
Matt: How was he able to do this? What studio saw this and said, “Perfect! Don’t change a thing!”
Matt: What’s happening now. Do we even know?
Ben: I think he’s on Jupiter
Matt: No, he just left the ship and all this stuff started shooting by. I think he’s in a wormhole
Matt: He seems to be parked. In a bedroom
Ben: It is an unexpected location
Ben: Whoa, he’s aged
Matt: That wormhole thing took time. 20 years. It felt like it too
Matt: I’m prepared to never know what happened at the end of this movie. There’s no way they could explain what just happen.
Matt: You know what it could be: Space Zoo
Matt: How is this movie rated G?
Ben: There’s nothing offensive in it
Matt: I know but who would show this to their kid? Come here Junior, this seems like a good one
Ben: For the first time in this movie I’m very confused
Matt: Time, man. It’s about time
2:19:00 (first shot of the Star Child)
Matt: What the Frodo?
Matt: I don’t care if I don’t know what happened. I’m just glad it’s over