Episode 168: Marriage Advice For Matt

July 9, 2013

Episode168

Featuring Matt Anderson, Ben De Bono, and Des Wood

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12 comments on “Episode 168: Marriage Advice For Matt

  1. 3 party covenant – very cool!

  2. Love the podcast.

    I have a heart for marriages. I have posted about it on my blog (http://aquilone.me/blogs/pra/category/studies/marriages-studies/).

    I can also say that I married a non-geek and we are on 22 years of marriage and going strong. Opposites attract, and then we assimilate them.

    • Lots of stuff in that one category. I have other categories like “Five pillars of a great marriage” or “Secrets of a great marriage” but when I put the links in the clean talk thing flipped out. So if you want, you can go to the blog and check out the other categories on the side. 🙂

    • Ooooooh, yes. Make your wife your best friend. When I teach on this, the five pillars are:

      1) HONESTY – Be surprised how many aren’t
      2) TRUST – Without there is no relationship.
      3) BELIEF – Each of you need to know the other believes in them and backs them.
      4) BEST FRIEND – If you are doing 1-3 then you are going to be best friends.
      5) BIGGEST FAN – Support each other to the extreme.

      If you do these, I have found you will have a long lasting amazing marriage that others will look too.

    • Rambling on notes while listening 🙂

      On the prediction of 1-5, let me say this “Death and life are in the power of the tongue!” I always tell people, “Say you are the best, most intelligent person who can achieve absolutely anything you put your mind to it!” Why? Because the world will do it’s best to knock you down and make you feel like dirty and want to destroy you and your marriage (and later your children). So, don’t accept and don’t speak that. Say you are the best and let them try and prove you wrong. So, say your marriage will be a 5.

      In addition, subconsciously, if you say that your marriage will be 1 or 2, then you will find that you settle for second or third best instead of pushing yourself to be that 5 type husband. So, have in your mind that you have a 5 marriage.

      Also, I went to a marriage conference when my wife and I almost got divorced. The teacher asked will a 50-50 marriage work? I said yes. He said no. Marriage is a 100-100. If both parties are not putting in 100% of themselves into the relationship then you barely have a fighting chance. In addition, if you put in 50% or even 60% who is to say that your spouse will see it as that high and not think you are putting in only 20%. Expectations are a kicker.

      On that, I recommend the book “His Needs Her Needs” as this deals with expectations and, according to the book, the number one reason for divorce which is unmet expectations. I am reminded of how my wife came home one day and wanted a divorce because of a dust bunny in the corner. The real reason was that we didn’t have a dish washer and she hated washing dishes and wanted me to do them. Because they took too long and I was going to school, I would clean the WHOLE rest of the house except the dishes. But she didn’t yell at me about the dishes. This unmet expectation which was also unvoiced (very common issue) caused us to be on the very brink of divorce and only God brought us back.

      Ok, I am done rambling for the moment. But have 30 minutes more of podcast to go so I will probably post again. LOL!!

    • You mentioned something that they taught us in the marriage conference that the word divorce has to be out of your vocabulary.

    • Learned something interesting about spouse changing you. You must both realize that you will NEVER change the other person. Who they are right now they will be until God changes them. Therefore, if you find something that needs changing, while you can and should have an open, honest discussion about it, you will absolutely need to pray about it. My wife read the “Power of a Praying Wife” and it changed both of our lives. She started praying for me to change into the man of God God wants for me and she deserves. As I changed and she told me about her praying for me, I now pray for her. She is amazing and God changed her from the wonderful woman I married into a super woman who completes me.

      That said, I will add one more thing. Us men have a tendency to think we are right. I have found over and over again, that my wife is usually right. So if you wife tells you something especially if it is about God, from God, direction, etc, pay close attention.

    • One of the ways that I make my wife more important is to give her priority. When I come home, I speak with my wife first. I may get mauled at the door. But then my wife and I go talk in the bedroom for like 15 minutes or so. Then the kids can come.

      Also, never stop date night. It gets hard especially when the kids are small. But you dated to know each other. Now, date to keep close to each other. I do like what was said in the movie “Fireproof” in that if when you were woo-ing your wife you got a high school diploma never stop studying her and get the bachelors, masters and phd. This is the whole part of never stop spending time with just the two of you.

    • Got a story about mashing the wedding cake in the face. I actually didn’t know about this tradition until just before the cake was cut. Here is the sequence that happened next.

      1) My wife mashed hers in my face.
      2) I went to do the same for her.
      3) She took a step back.
      4) Stepped on the hoop of her hoop skirt dress
      5) She begins to fall.
      6) Instinctively she reaches out for me
      7) Instinctively I grab her hand.
      8) The cake drops out of my hand.
      9) I pull her back to a steady position.

      It was all in a split second and I really didn’t full understand what happened until later. What did happen was that the audience didn’t realize what was happening and really only saw that I saved my newly wed wife from falling on the floor. I was a hero. No face smashing of cake. And to be honest, I am still called her hero today and I praise God for making me catch her.

    • On our wedding day, lots happened. Forgot the rings, my life was threatened and I did I do twice. Read more about it at http://aquilone.me/blogs/pra/2013/02/08/tomorrow-marks-22-years-of-marriage-to-my-amazing-wife-february-9th-is-our-anniversary/

  3. Hey guys! I’ve been fairly busy, so I had to do a DeBono and be absentee for a while. Anyhow, getting back into the swing. First, it is a fun episode.

    Little more advice about the wedding day. My advice that I don’t know if anyone could actually take….

    Don’t worry about things going wrong on the wedding day. Things will go wrong. Looking back, no one is really going to care in the end. Our own wedding left us with a lot of stress and frustration. Sounds like you are having a larger wedding, so advising you to be casual at the reception and take time to have fun with everyone might not be realistic.

    At any rate, I hope and pray that you can smile through your wedding day. Live in the moment. Like Ben, mine was a blur of manic energy that I can barely recall particulars about. May God bless you both (Matt and Des) in your marriage… you as well Ben 🙂

    -RC

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